Saying No: When Perfection is Imperfect {31 Days of Imperfection – Day 9}

Exactly one year ago today I returned to Buffalo from my first trip to Haiti.

 

Exactly one year ago today, I also was proposed to by one of the most amazing, godly, wonderful men I’ve ever met.

 

I can only imagine the reactions of some of you reading this right now…

Say, WHAT?!?

You’re engaged?

How didn’t I know about this?

What’s going on?

Did I miss the invitation to the wedding?

 

I guess I should continue by saying:

Exactly one year ago today, I made one of the best decisions of my life this far and said, “no”.

 

 

The story of how Isaac and I met (in Uganda) and the journey leading to a proposal is a great one and I’d be willing to share it with anyone who wants to hear about it.  But for today, the ‘no’ is the important piece of the (extremely long) story.

 

As I said before, Isaac truly is one of the most amazing, godly men I’ve ever met in my entire life.  He is passionate about sharing Jesus with others.  He is well respected  by the people in his family, at his job, in his town and by everyone who meets him.  He cared for me and made sure I was protected while in some possibly dangerous situations in Uganda.  He encouraged me in my calling to ministry and my calling as a child of God (and continues to do so as an amazing brother in Christ).

 

By now some of you are probably wondering why in the world I said “no”.  While there are many reasons, one of the biggest reason is that I simply wasn’t in love with him.

 

Throughout the discussions about marriage that we had, and despite the fact that HE truly WAS in love with me, I slowly came to realize that one of the only reasons I continued to consider the prospect of getting married to Isaac was because I thought maybe that’s what God wanted me to do and I needed to prove my willingness to sacrifice for God.  Sure, Isaac had many of the characteristics of the man I hope one day I get to call “husband,” but to move forward in a big life decision like this simply out of duty is NOT the life God has called us to.

 

In my striving for perfection, I set aside one of the most important gifts God desires to give us: JOY.

 

In the weeks and months of me seeking God for wisdom, guidance, and direction, I realized that if I stepped forward in this relationship and it really WAS God’s plan, he would bless it with joy and peace.  Yet, as my heart leaned that way, there was nothing but confusion, duty, and sacrifice.  I’m not saying that God’s plans for our lives don’t involve sacrifice, because they often do, but in my trying to follow God perfectly, I had forgotten that following God is just as much about finding joy in our lives (IN HIM) as it is sacrifice.

 

Another big issue was that God gave me my passions, gifts, desires, and talents for a reason.  At that point in my life, I didn’t know where I was going to end up after my internship, but I could sense God’s calling loud and clear that I was supposed to be in America.  Throughout the time I knew Isaac, I could tell that his passions and gifts were rooted in ministry in Uganda.  As I said before, God’s plans for us are often different than our own and often include sacrifice.  However, nothing I read in God’s Word points to a God who creates us with unique desires, passions, and gifts for ministry in His Kingdom only to tell us to ignore it all.  Instead, the God I know and love gives us opportunities to use all that in a way that brings Him glory.

 

In my striving for perfection, I lost sight of this truth:

My God loves me.

He doesn’t love me because I was willing to give up everything and marry a guy (I didn’t really love) and move to Africa. He also doesn’t love me because I stayed here in America to serve him.  He doesn’t love me BECAUSE of anything I do.

He just simply loves me… imperfection and all. No ‘ifs’, ‘ands’, or ‘buts’.

He LOVES me!

 

Sometimes recognizing that love, joy, and peace comes … in saying “no.”

Vacations are for Detours

I come ‘round the last curve in the road.  A smile grows on my face as contentment grows in my soul.   If I wasn’t sure before, I’m now convinced that this impromptu detour down “J-Hill” road was a great idea.

I can’t wait to get down the drive and park the car, quick turning off the radio allowing for the silence this place demands. 

I look around for a rock to carry up. Unsuccessful, but decide the rocks don’t have to be literal, my figurative ones will work just fine for today.

The ascent begins and I ponder… Was it really nearly 10 years ago that I made this climb for the first time?  I also recall some of the “rocks” I laid down here nearly a decade ago… some of the same burdens I’ve come here to lay down again today. 

I pass the crossbar and continue the hike, thankful that the frozen ground makes this journey a little easier than the typical summer day with shifting dirt and sliding rocks.  Near the top, I finally turn around.  The awe-inspiring view steals my breath once again.  

As if there were an automatic recording, the familiar tune and words begin to come out of my mouth…. “Lord, prepare me to be a sanctuary…”

I ponder again… how many times have I climbed this hill?  How many times have I sung that song?  How many rocks have I laid here… my sins, my burdens, my hurts, my joys.

I linger for a while but eventually begin the hike down to the car… hearing in my head the instructions that for many years came out of my mouth… “If you turn your feet sideways it makes it easier to get down without slipping.”  (As this thought passes through my head, I also slightly regret not changing into the gym shoes that were in the trunk.)

On my way down I pay specially attention to the names that remain on weather-worn rocks.

Luke.

Kylie.

Trina.

Julius.   I pause a little longer here.   

I wonder… What burdens or pains or hurts or sins might he have left there with his rock only weeks before he left every burden behind forever and went to the place of no more tears. 

Luke.

Anneka.

The names and rocks continue, some more familiar than others.  Each name representing the same thing…  a life changed in this place.  Each rock carries a story… one often known by God alone.   Each rock left there together forms a certain shape reminding… We are free.  Over the last decade, hundreds have made that same climb leaving behind their “junk.” And now, collectively, that “junk” is somehow able to point to our risen Lord.  To God Alone be the Glory!

Thanks God for today… for that spontaneous voice in my head that prompted my journey to 7821 Lyons Creek Road… one of the places in this world that has the label “home” in my heart … a place that gives a little glimpse into what our forever home will be like.

‘Tis Good, Lord, To Be Here

Today was a beautiful day.  I’m currently back at school in Nebraska for a Mid-Year Conference with all of the DCE interns from all over the world. These few days back on campus are hard to describe.  Most of us interns have used the word “weird” in that description more times than we probably can count.  It’s this interesting dynamic of loving this place but not really fitting in… at least not in the way we have in the past.  Our roles have shifted, and that’s okay.  In the midst of this awkward, indescribable, mid-way check point, it has been such a blessing to just see God presence everywhere I turn.  Here are just a few examples of where that was found today alone:

•  A conversation with a beautiful woman with whom I’ve literally had one prior face to face conversation with before, yet somehow our hearts just know each other.  I don’t get it, but was so thankful for our time together this morning and God’s presence there.
• Chapel.  I miss chapel.  What a wonderful REST was found in the very SIMPLE yet profound proclamation of the Gospel today as it was describe as a song, a melody that can, in a way, be the “background” music to our life.
• Lunch (at Dragon Palace) with fellow interns, talking about anything and everything and nothing.
• A chance to share with other DCE students our experiences and where we’ve seen God at work through our internships.
• Being able to “pick up” friendships where they left off and just get straight to what really matters… to know and be known.  

As corny as it may sound, I really felt like the last verse of a hymn we sang in chapel today encapsulates this trip back to Concordia for me.

’Tis good, Lord, to be here.
Yet we may not remain;
But since Thou bidst us leave the mount,
Come with us to the plain.

It is so wonderful to be able to reflect and see all the many ways God has blessed my life through Concordia… to be able to come back and be overwhelmed in a good way… to realize the number of people through whom God has blessed me and made me who I am.  But now, as good as it is to be here, it’s obvious that this is not where I belong right now… and God comes with me to what’s next.

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Lord, ’tis truly good to be here… to behold Your beauty… to see You at work in my life and the lives of others… to hear and remember your gospel melody that accompanies my life.  And now, as I prepare to wrap this time here up, may You remind me of your promise to go with me and continue to open my heart and ears to that beautiful melody of Your love.  ’Tis good Lord, to be Your child.  Thank You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Content to Linger

As I opened my Facebook page this afternoon, the first day of 2011, my eyes fell upon these words in the status of a friend:

We’re in no hurry, God. We’re content to linger in the path sign-posted with your decisions. Who you are and what you’ve done are all we’ll ever want. – Isaiah 26

I was struck by these words and began to wonder how many of us could actually say this is true about our lives… that we’re not in a hurry?… that God is all we’ll ever want?  Yet… this is the beautiful life God desires for us.

 

I assumed this was from the Message paraphrase of the Bible and searched quick on the internet to find out for sure.  When I did, I stumbled upon a blog post by a man named David Norman in which he said the following about this verse:

 

Isaiah spoke of a time when the people of God would find complete rest and peace and hope in God. He longed for the day when God would be enough for them. …  I wonder, sometimes, if I am obedient to the extent that I am "content to linger" where God places me. I often find myself pushing and stretching in order to accomplish these big dreams God has placed within me. Very rarely do I ever find myself in an area of rest where I am not moving toward something.

 

I’m guessing many of us (and definitely myself) can associate with David Norman in the fact that we’re always focused on the next thing.  Lately I’ve been learning a lot about the beauty of just letting something be.  Instead of just trying to plan and fix and change everything around me… I’m beginning to see what God means when he says that he want to change ME.

 

So, as I start a new year, I resolve to not have a list of resolutions to try to keep, goals to attempt to meet, or plans to fix what I might perceive as broken in my life.  Instead, God, this is what I want to be…

 

content to linger.

okay with standing still… with standing in pain… with standing in joy… with standing where you take me.

comfortable with simply being and refraining from trying and striving and pushing forward.

at ease with the path before me.

satisfied with letting You be more than enough for me.

resting in who You are and have made me to be. 

 

And in the process, this coming year will be blessed in greater ways than I could ever imagine with my own resolutions, goals, and plans.  This year… this day… this moment, Lord, teach me a way of life in which I’m truly able to say:

“I’m in no hurry, God.  I’m content to linger in the path You have for me.  Who You are and what You’ve done is all I ever want.”

Hope {Day 12} – Hope and Contentment… the Best of Friends

Tonight at the wonderful Philippians Short Course Bible Study at First Trinity we were studying chapter 4.  It’s a wonderful chapter which I strongly suggest everyone read.  (You could even do so right now by clicking here.)  Anyway, in summary here are a few things covered in that chapter:

• vs 4 – Finding JOY in the Lord
• vs. 5-7 – Finding PEACE to replace anxiety through prayer
• vs. 8-9 – Finding TRUTH to fight the lies Satan gets us to believe.
• vs. 10-20 – Finding CONTENTMENT in Jesus rather than our circumstances.

You may be starting to wonder what all of that has to do with a blog post that is supposed to be about HOPE. 

 

However, as I was driving home just now, I began to realize that “CONTENTMENT” and “HOPE” are very much alike.  Maybe hope grows out of contentment or contentment comes from hope or maybe neither, but in any case, many similarities appear.

 

Take a look at what Paul says here in Philippians 4 about being content:

… I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know that it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through him who gives me strength. 

Just like contentment, we learn to find HOPE no matter what the circumstance.  Hope doesn’t come FROM the circumstance.  Most of the time, if we look at our situation, we’d probably find more despair than hope. So while hope doesn’t come from the situation, we can find hope IN the situation. 

 

Paul states here that he found “the secret” to contentment, and it comes in looking to Christ for strength.  The same is true of HOPE… we have to look to something, or rather Someone, outside of our situation in order to find hope. 

 

Verse 19 tells who that Someone is:

And my God will meet ALL your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

Despair, the opposite of hope, comes when we start to think that there’s no way out… our situation is too big… to hard… too much… my needs are too many or too great.  In reality, when we can’t find contentment or we can’t find hope… it’s because somehow our circumstances have blinded from seeing God’s provision.  We start to let our minds wander and think, “Well, maybe God isn’t enough for me.” Our situation can, at times, keep us from realizing that our God is MORE than enough for us.  He provides ABUNDANTLY.

 

When fear and anxiety attempt to rob us of contentment or hope… we can focus on “whatever is true.” (vs. 8 ) And this my friends is true:

OUR GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF US! 

 

Provision.

 

Contentment.

 

HOPE.

 

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Gracious God,

We thank you for the promise that you will provide for ALL our needs.  We thank you that you’re not giving us just enough to survive, but that you provide abundantly, that You are MORE than enough for us.  When the situations and circumstances of our lives blind us and fill us with anxiety, give us strength and bring us back to truth.  We know from Your Word that in that place of truth… in being honest with you in prayer, your peace will guard our hearts and our minds.  That is our prayer tonight, Lord… that you would protect our hearts and minds from despair as you point us to Hope Himself, Jesus Christ.

It’s in His name we pray,

AMEN!

Hope {Day 7} – Giving Hope from Afar

In a way, this post is kind of “Part 2” of yesterday’s post.  I mentioned yesterday that often in the times where hope needs to be offered, there aren’t really words or actions that can give that hope… rather, being present is simply enough. 

 

While I believe that is often completely true, I can’t just stop there. No, I’m not saying that I want to do more.  Rather, my heart calls out, “What about the times when I CAN’T be there?” 

 

Three months ago I moved halfway across the country from all my family and friends.  I’ve come to realize how difficult it can be to see friends and family go through hard times (and good times too) and be hundreds of miles away… feeling helpless.

 

While technology is wonderful and allows for more communication during those times, the act of just “being” with them, isn’t really an option. How do I give hope in those times?

 

Up until this last week I probably would have finished this story by saying something to the effect of “I guess all I can do from here is pray for them.”

 

While that is a true statement, I can’t really DO anything else… I realized a new, and what I believe to be a better, perspective while listening to Pastor’s sermon this weekend:

 

Prayer shouldn’t be my only option to help simply because I’m not close enough to do something “more.”   With this perspective, I make prayer something small.   But dear friends, prayer is anything but small.   As Pastor Chuck said, “The prevailing power of God flows through people who pray.”

 

Instead of seeing myself limited to this seemingly insignificant task due to my distance from those hurting, I can feel privileged to be able to pray for my family and friends when they experience trials and joys in life. 

 

I can find FAITH that God’s power works through the prayers I’m lifting up for the CUNE/Seward community as they mourn the loss of a little 10-year old girl right now.

 

I can find JOY even in being able to stand on a hill with arms outstretched… praying that the God of HOPE would surround the hearts and minds of those I care about whether I can be present with them or not.

I can find PEACE as I pray that those I love would find hope to be an “anchor for their soul” (Hebrews 6:18-20). 

And through that process of prayer, I am then also anchored to Hope Himself, Jesus Christ.  

Joyfullyblessed…It’s kinda weird…

It’s kind of a weird thing to attend a funeral for someone you’ve never met, but definitely a unique opportunity that I’ve had a few times since being on internship, including once this week.

Normally, funeral are associated emotions of grief and pain and confusion.  Of course there is hope and glimmers of joy in the resurrection, but most of the funerals I’ve attended I sit there just not even knowing WHAT to feel.

The funeral that I ran sound for this week gave me an opportunity to understand more of those feelings I always feel but can’t quite name in that moment.  Most of all, I realized that somehow, everything seems so to impact lives so much deeper at times like these… verses from God’s Word, lyrics from hymns… everything just seems so much more profound… so much more… well… ironically… more ALIVE!

To hear things like: “… NOTHING can separate us from the love of God.” (Romans 8 ) takes on new life when heard at a funeral.  

“For as we have been united with Him in a death like His, we shall certainly be untied with Him in a resurrection like His.” (Romans 6)…means something different when you contemplate someone coming to the end of their life… or well, in another way, the beginning.  

Or how about these words from a well-loved hymn:

“Yet when this flesh and heart shall fail and mortal life shall cease.  Amazing grace shall then PREVAIL in Heaven’s joy and peace.”

We can sing that song on just any given day, but to hear those words at a funeral gives it so much more depth.

I think my favorite part of the funeral this week was to hear the soloist sing these powerful words:

“Then sings my SOUL, my Savior, God, to Thee.  How great Thou art. How GREAT Thou art!” 

My prayers go up for those I know who have lost loved ones recently (or maybe even not so recently).  In those moments when there just aren’t words, may our very SOULS sing out to our great God! Even when we can’t understand, may He give us the strength to trust.  May he draw us closer to himself and give us new life in Him.

Joyfullyblessed … And rejoicing today!

Have you ever found yourself staring at a situation in life wondering how you’d ever get through it?  The mountain is just too big to climb.  The burden is too much to bear.  The weight is just too heavy.  It is just IMPOSSIBLE to overcome.

Now, have you ever gotten through one of those situations and looked back on it.  Have you ever stood at the top of that mountain, realizing that somehow you actually have overcome?

4 years ago I was a college freshmen, not even a month into the crazy college experience.  I enjoyed life with my new friends and was excited about the adventures that lay ahead. 

4 years ago today, I was also involved in a car accident that changed a lot of things in life.  The naivety of youth … of thinking “it’ll never happen to me,” was stripped away as my friend and I were pulled from a twisted piece of metal with the Jaws of Life, surprising some that we made it out alive. 

At times .  I wondered when the images of the collision would stop playing on repeat in my mind, but eventually they did.   Then, I wondered if a day would pass that I wouldn’t think of the accident and it’s impact on my life…. and the life of my friend… yet that day, and many more since, came.  But SURELY I would NEVER ride, let alone drive, in car again without thinking of that horrible day, right?  Wrong. Most days now it doesn’t even cross my mind.

So, I stop today and remember that day, September 21, 2006… but not with the same confusing emotions that surrounded that event and the time that followed…  no, I remember it today and rejoice!

I rejoice in the fact that I’m still alive.

I rejoice that broken friendships have been healed.

I rejoice in an overcoming Savior that helps me overcome.

As I think about this, and the many things we face which seem “IMPOSSIBLE” to overcome, I’m reminded of a verse from one of my favorite Psalms, Psalm 77.  The first part of the Psalm basically outlines how it seems as if God just isn’t listening and there’s no way out of the situation.  Then, suddenly the Psalmist switches focus…

¹⁰ Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
       the years of the right hand of the Most High.”

¹¹ I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
       yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

¹² I will meditate on all your works
       and consider all your mighty deeds.

¹³ Your ways, O God, are holy.
       What god is so great as our God?

Even in the midst of things that seem “impossible” to overcome it often, it helps to look back and realize where we’ve seen God already at work… in His Word and in our own lives.  As we meditate on His works and consider His mighty deeds, it gives us hope to continue on and climb the mountain in front of us.

Truly, the days and months that followed my accident 4 years ago, were difficult.  Yet, I stand here today and can truly REJOICE in the faithfulness of our God … and overcoming Savior who leads us through life… but the joys and the challenges!

HOW GREAT IS OUR GOD!

Joyfullyblessed… To Let Go!

For those of you who are still getting to know me out here in NY, you will soon learn that I love music (and writing really long blogs).  I love playing my guitar. I love attempting to play piano. I love writing songs. I love listening to music (of many kinds).  I simply enjoy music.  Whether playing, listening to it live, or jammin’ out to the radio in the car, music just seems to convey life in a way that doesn’t happen any other way.

 

Recently, I’ve enjoyed listening to Francesca Battistelli’s CD called My Paper Heart. While many of her songs are awesome, one in particular, “I’m Letting Go” stuck out to me today and seems to fit my crazy life the past few months.

Check out some of the lyrics from this song:

This is a giant leap of faith Trusting and trying to embrace the fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone

 

Chorus: I’m letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams
I’m losing control of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling but that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me I’m not afraid

Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I”m falling and this is the life for me

“Trying to embrace the fear of the unknown.”  This phrase triggers many thoughts for me.

I think of my friend’s blog post that I read this morning talking about how instead of shrinking back in fear we can have courage to stand firm and go through whatever scary experience life brings us.

I think about the fear I’ve unconsciously let myself be held captive by this past week and the peace in being set free from it.

I think about the “What-ifs” and “How’ll” that were mentioned in staff devotions on Tuesday… and the many “Whatifs” and “How’lls” I’ve been asking:

• “What if I fail this year on my internship?” (While a ridiculously broad worry and very unlikely, I know that all of you, my intern friends out there, have had this thought cross your mind!)
• “How will I have enough money to pay for tuition and then after this, how will I ever get my student loans paid off?
• ”What will happen after internship?” (Kind of long term… maybe I should at least let my worries be more time appropriate.

On and on I could go listing one after another, but they all really can be summarized by this one:

“What if God really ISN’T enough for me?”

Well, when you put it that way, it seems really ridiculous to even think about.  Of course God is enough… He’s GOD!!!  But I still question and I still worry and long to understand!

That’s where we get back to why I love this song so much.  It doesn’t ignore the uneasy feeling that often remains when trying to trust in our Almighty God, the Ultimate Provider, Comforter, and Friend.  We want to trust, but many times, trust really does make us feel like we’re falling….but, as the song says…

“That’s what it’s like to believe”

And it ends saying that “this is the life for me.”

 

As God’s children, we are called sometimes to a crazy life… not one of security and complete understanding of how God will make everything work, but rather  one of freefall trust… taking that “leap of faith” and … giving in to “God’s gravity.”  In 1 Peter, God even tells us that we shouldn’t be surprised to face times when it’s hard to believe: “Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial that you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participated in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed” (4:12-13)

Below are some other verses that I’ve found helpful recently in this “freefall” called trust.  Maybe by holding onto these and the rest of God’s Word we can let God get rid of our fear and replace it with peace in knowing that He really DOES have everything in control.

 

God, please grant us the grace to be able to let go and believe!  AMEN!

 

Isaiah 46:3-4 “Listen to me… you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth.  Even to your old age and gray hairs I AM HE.  I am he who will sustain you.  I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”

 Hebrews 2:14-15 “Since the children have flesh and blood, he too shared in their humanity so that by his death he might… free those who all their lives where held in slavery by their fear…”

Hebrews 4:16 “Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Matthew 6:25,27,33  “Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body what you will wear. … Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?  … Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.”

(The pictures are of me and a fellow camp counselor climbing to the top of a 50 foot pole and then jumping off a couple summers ago at camp.  They just seemed to fit with this blog.)